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How a ship was
drawn into strange Latitudes on a secret
mission, with a bunch of odd men on
board, and somehow survived a terrible
curse.
There was an ancient mariner
Hairy, filthy, bright of eye,
Who sat next to a wedding guest
And heaved a massive sigh
He grasped the guest with calloused hand:
"I have a tale," quoth he.
"Unhand me now, you old
bastard!"
The guest spoke angrily.
But weirdly did the Mariner's eye
Affix him to his chair –
He could but sit and listen close;
To leave he didn't dare.
"My name is Captain Daly
You've heard of me, I see;
I own the Indies Trader, and
A damn fine boat is she.
But not too long – a month ago –
I did a whacked-out trip
With eight of the strangest fellows
Who ever did board a ship!
'Twas Kelly the Magnificent
With endless titles won,
And Carroll's two, their naked scalps
A-gleaming in the sun.
Big Peter Mel, the gunman
There stood side by side
With sturdy Dave Kalama –
Dependable as the tide. |
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And Jeffrey Keith Hornbaker
And Donald 'fish Man' King
And scientist Dr Ricky Grigg
Who seemed to know everything.
The ship she swung her might prow,
I made the engines sing.
Before we stretched an island chain
Thin, long and green, and strange,
Blue seas lay warm around it
And seemed never to change.
The fair breeze blew, the white foam
flew,
The furrow followed free;
We were the first that ever burst
Into that silent sea.
Bald Thomas he commanded us
'Prepare yourselves for pain!
For I am the Small Unit,
And now we're gonna train!' |
Many blokes did step forth
Muscular as could be
Yet tom would drive them 'til they
squealed
And cried out: 'Woe are we!'
The swell arose from icy lands
Afar off to the south
And peeled down this coral pass
Foam roaring at its mouth.
We rode and rode, a hundred waves
And then a hundred more;
And Slater, Carroll's, Mel and Dave
Thought we were going to score.
Kalama seized hid jet-driv'n steed
The spray rose like a fog!
Tom took the rope for hours and hours;
He was a Tow-in Hog.
At last Dave shook a small Tommy off,
And Kelly sprang o'erside –
The champ flew madly through the air!
He'd committed Tow-icide
The silver moon rose smooth and bright,
The ocean swayed below,
We ate and drank and cheered and sang'
But – little did we know!...
The swell was shrinking overnight.
We knew not where to go.
"So tell me," asked the
wedding guest,
"Where on earth were you?"
The Mariner shook his shaggy head:
"Nay! That I cannot do! |
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We all were sworn to secrecy
And neither could we rest
For 'twas a twisted fortune drew
Us to its fishy breast
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The Trader turned its might prow
A Crossing to perform –
A stealthy search for perfect surf
Through reef, and calm, and storm...
We came upon a filthy left!
Perhaps our luck was grand!
A wave to mangle with deep carves
And in the tube to stand!
An afternoon passed happily
From pits we all were spat
Yet come the sullen morning light
God cursed us – 'twas flat.
Much growling there was passed about
Before the ship set forth;
Big Pete and Horny hurled out lines;
We surged and struggled north.
The fisher boys hoped for a kill
'Twould make the journeys worth. |
Blue on blue, the horizon drew
A noose around us, tight;
Then Horny's voice rang madly out!
'Slow down! I've got a bite!
A vast scythe-tail, a sparkling spray,
A savage twisting head!
With salt-strong blood and muscle
The marlin danced and fled!
But horny bent his rod to work
He would not be denied,
And soon he wore the great beast down
And brought it to the side
Confusion reigned – Lord, was it dead!
Or did it live on still?
What was the point of catching fish
If it were not to kill.
The hell-man strained to pull the hooks.
'Come on,' I roared, 'come on!
If we do not stop F---in' round
All daylight will be gone!"
For each nights hours must surely pass
Within an atoll's calm
Or fearful fates may wreathe us in
The oceans deadly charm.
The marlin's spike poked blindly up;
It wallowed in our wake.
Alive or dead! Twas not for us
To see, nor time to take. |
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At darkness black, the Trader turned
Her head toward a pass.
A pod of magic dolphins drew
Us safety through at last!
Nor dim nor red, like god's own head
The glorious Sun up-burst
Then all averred, we'd killed the fish
That brought the shitty surf.
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With heads and hopes held past mast high
We sailed bravely west
Around us seemed to stretch fore'er
The oceans bright blue crest.
Then strangely from the sea ahead
A fair green atoll rose;
The boat seemed drawn by a sacred wind
Where none but offshore blows –
Unto a pass of perfect form
Yet – damn- there no swell
shows!"
"Your Karma seems ferocious,"
The wedding guest spoke dry,
"If t'were not for the fishes death
'Twould make me wonder why."
The Mariner's eye grew blazing bright!
He'd worked into a state:
"Argh, stop your horrid sarcasm!
Full well we knew our fate! |
The atoll was a marvellous dream,
A ring of coral round
And gentle breezes through the trees –
These made the only sound.
Fish slithered playfully about
The glorious blue lagoon,
And graceful locals set their traps
And filled them all too soon.
Good Dr Grigg strapped on his fins
To check the reef's mute glory
He measured, and on his slate scrawled
Some scientific story.
The sun went up, the sun went down,
'Twas entertaining stuff!
Yet, methought, for a surf trip –
Would it really be enough
It seemed we were in Paradise,
Yet this was more like hell!
The perfect reef pass tempted us!
And frick, no fricken swell!
And so long the days passed us by
And at the helm I stood
And tried to work the fax machine
But fie! It did no good.
No swell map came to help us out
Nor did seem there would.
Water, water everywhere
More than you'd ever think...
Water, water everywhere
Yet this was not our drink. |
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Vast quantities of beer did pour
Down everybody's throat
And dreadful sounds of grunting foul
Did rise up from the boat.
Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath, nor motion
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.
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The crew, they fricken lost the plot –
First Kelly bolted free:
"I have a movie part that must
be swiftly filled," quoth he.
Days later Carroll N, the bald,
Went blood-crazed flailing mad:
We had to feed him to the sharks
It really was quite sad.
And Dr Grigg soon fled the scene
To leave he seemed quite glad.
That left sturdy David K
And little Carroll T,
And Pete the big, and Nate the cook
And Jeff, and Don, and me.
I swear, that night, the strangest thing
I saw beneath the moon:
A sudden, long, crisp line of swell!
Crash, rang its brilliant tune! |
As dawn exploded in the east
We gazed out to the pass,
And saw the fishy curse was gone
And there was surf at last!
The gorgeous lines swung twinkling down
That sacred islands reef,
As if they were on offering –
And I the island's chief.
Fish, whales, and rays of freakish size,
Into the pass they streamed
They swam and played, our salty friends,
The vast blue ocean gleamed...
Pete smashed a thousand lips
Dave wielded his longboard'
I caught a few; and little Tom,
Well, through the tube he soared.
Oh! Was it Kelly's sacrifice
That broke the Marlins spell?
Or Carroll's vicious mangling
Or Ricky's flight from hell?
We didn't really care that much!
We surfed, and all was well."
The Mariner paused; his eye grew dim.
His fury seem'd abated.
"So…feeling better?" asked
the guest,
Leaned back in his chair and waited.
"This much I'll say!" the
crusty, bloke
Bestirred himself to speak,
"I've learned that even Paradise
Can have a wicked streak
And all things great and small deserve
Life, be they strong or weak;
I've learned that people may be proud
Yet perhaps we should be meek...
But if I see that fish again
I'll kick it in the beak!" |
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